6 Ways to Offer Encouragement to your Children - Using Mistakes
First off, we must understand and remember that mistakes are okay (for kids and adults). They are a part of life. Until we are perfect, we will continue to make them. Rather than using mistakes to humiliate, ridicule, and therefore discourage a child, mistakes can actually be used to boost encouragement. Allow mistakes to happen. To avoid seeing our children fail, we might tend to "do" for them. Children can sense our doubt of their ability to do things "correctly", which quickly carries over into self-doubt. The goal is to help them solve their problems themselves and to ask for help when they need it.
Here are some things to consider:
1) Emphasize what the child can do next time
Focusing on what has already happened simply creates defensiveness and excuses. Help your child figure out what they could have done differently the next time. If a new skill is needed, help identify the skill and teach them.
"Mistakes happen. How can you hold the carton so you won't spill the milk next time?"
2) Give your child another chance
This will show your child that you have faith that they can improve and are not a "loser"
"You made a mess while eating in the family room yesterday. You may not eat in there today, but you can try again tomorrow."
3) Show your child what to do
Generally we just tell children what to do. Many children learn best when they are shown what to do. This also eliminates assumptions we have about the child's skill and knowledge level.
"Watch how I pour the cereal into the bowl, and then how I pour the milk slowly. See? That way you won't spill any."
4) Ask Questions
Ask questions that help your child figure things out for themselves. Children will learn more when they are encouraged to find solutions for themselves than when we think of the solutions for them (especially teens)
"What can you do differently next time? How do you feel about how it turned out?"
5) Teach children to repair mistakes
Just because we understand that mistakes happen and that there is no need to judge the child, that does not mean that there should not be consequences. Children need to learn how to make amends for mistakes that harm someone or someone's property. Repairing a mistake or performing a "make-up" is not a punishment but rather a way of making amends for any difficulty caused by one's actions.
A child went home with a friend after school without calling her mother. Her mother went to the school to pick her daughter up and couldn't find her. The daughter decided that since she had made her mother drive out of her way by not calling her and had taken up her mother's time, that she would do one of her mother's chores to make up for her error.
It is important that the person committing the mistake determines how the mistake should be repaired or made up. Of course, what is decided has to be accepable to the person who was inconvenienced. The goal is to get your child to think about repairing mistakes on their own.
6) Share your mistakes
How we respond to our own mistakes is a huge determinant in how our children will handle theirs. Your smallest action will have more impact than any lecture, especially with the kids of today who cannot and will not accept hypocrisy. The days of "Do as I say and not as I do" are over.
Unproductive responses we model:
- hide our mistakes
- be overly apologetic about them
- make excuses for them
- blame someone else for them
- get defensive about them
If you bump a car in a parking lot and the owner is not around to demand you repair the mistake, you can be sure that your children are watching to see if you take responsibility and get out and leave your name and contact or if you speed away as fast as you can before you get caught.
After dropping a carton of milk on the floor, the mother responds:
"Oh, I am so clumsy. What an idiot I am. I can't believe I can be so stupid."
Or
"I dropped the milk. Can you please hand me that towel so I can clean it up?"
If you cannot allow yourself to make mistakes, how can you allow your children and how can your children allow themselves. This just fuels the perfectionist fire - since none of us are perfect, we know where that ends up. And it creates an excuse as to why the mistake happened as opposed to focusing on the solution.