- Encourage Your Child

Encourage Your Child

Ask a group of kindergarteners, "How many of you can sing?" They will look at you like you were crazy, "Sing, of course I can sing" Ask a group of teenagers, fewer than half will raise their hands. Ask a group of adults, and there will be even fewer still. So, what happened?
A child's spirit is like brilliant liquid light contained in a beautiful golden yellow vessel. An encouraged child is a child whose vessel is full and intact. A discouraged child is a child whose vessel has been shot full of holes, and whose brilliance has spilt out like sand through the holes of a bucket.

Every exchange is an opportunity to either empower a child, to give them what they need to reinforce their vessel, or we, too, can take a shot and stand by as the sand slowly drains from their buckets. By the end of a day, children have been bombarded with countless unconscious pot shots (on average 432 negative comments a day) from parents, teachers, siblings, classmates, strangers in grocery lines - there is nagging, yelling, spanking, shaming, overprotection, controlling, demanding, threatening, manipulative use of guilt, shame, even praise - these all work to erode the vessel that contains a child's spirit, sense of self, and simple awareness of their own magnificence.

We can try to patch the hole by sticking our finger in it, but just like the boy in the dike found out, it is not a real solution. So how do we strengthen the vessel and kindle the spirit? With encouragement.

Let us start by first understanding the difference between encouragement and praise.

Encouragement VS Praise: How the Results Differ

Praise
Stimulates rivalry and competition
Focuses on qulaity of performance.
Evaluative and judgemental; person feels "judged"
Fosters selfishness at the expense of others.
Emphasis is on global evaluation of the person. "You are better than others"
Creates quitters.
Fosters fear of failure.
Fosters dependence.
Motivates from without.

Encouragement

Stimulates cooperation and contribution for the good of all.
Focuses on the amount of effort, persistence, determination, and joy shown.
Little of no evaluation of person or act; person feels "accepted".
fosters self-interest, which does not hurt others.
Emphasis is on a specific person. "You have helped in this way"
Enhances persistence/determination.
Fosters acceptace of being imperfect.
Fosters self-sufficiency and interdependence.
Motivates from within.

Example: Child brings home report card

Parent using praise says, "I'm so proud of you.""You're such a good boy/girl" "I bet you got the best grades in the class"

The message the child is learning is:
- being better than others is important
- if I get good grades my parents will love me (external motivation)

Parent using encouragement says:
"How do you feel about these grades?"
"It really looks like you enjoy learning"
"Which one of these grades are you most proud of?"

The message the child is learning:
- it is more important how s/he feels
- enjoyment about learning has its rewards
- how to search internally rather than looking to others for approval

Now that you see the difference between encouraging and praising, you can start to become conscious of your exchanges.